Why One Partner Wants Sex More Than the Other

You want sex.

Your partner doesn’t seem nearly as interested.

Or maybe you’re the one hoping they won’t initiate tonight because you’re tired of saying no—and tired of seeing the disappointment on their face when you do.

Eventually, both people can start wondering:

What is wrong with us?

Usually, nothing.

You may have heard this described as mismatched sex drives or a libido mismatch. In sex therapy, we often call it desire discrepancy: when partners don't want sex at the same time, in the same way, or with the same frequency.

The difference itself isn't necessarily the problem.

What happens around the difference often is.

There Is No “Correct” Amount of Sex to Want

We tend to label the partner who wants more sex as the high-desire partner and the one who wants less as the low-desire partner.

But those labels can be misleading.

Put either person in another season of life, relationship or sexual context, and their desire may look very different.

Desire can be affected by stress, sleep, hormones, medications, health, body image, resentment, parenting, relationship dynamics, sexual pain, boredom, novelty, shame, attraction—and whether the sex you're having is actually sex you enjoy.

That last one matters.

Sometimes people aren't losing interest in sex.

They're losing interest in the sex that's available to them.

So instead of asking, Which one of us has the problem?, try asking:

What is happening to desire between us?

You May Not Get Turned On the Same Way

Some people experience spontaneous desire. They think about sex, become interested and seek it out.

Other people experience more responsive desire. They may not feel particularly interested in sex until something pleasurable has already begun—flirting, kissing, affectionate touch, fantasy or physical stimulation.

Neither is better.

But when partners don't understand this difference, they can create painful explanations for it.

If they were attracted to me, they'd initiate.

If I really loved them, I'd want sex more often.

Neither may be true.

Your desire may simply work differently.

When Desire Turns Into a Pursue-Withdraw Cycle

This is often where couples get stuck.

One partner initiates. The other says no.

The initiating partner feels rejected and tries again later.

The other partner starts anticipating another initiation and feels pressure. Eventually, even affection can become stressful because a hug or kiss might be interpreted as an invitation to sex.

So they pull away.

The higher-desire partner notices and feels even more unwanted.

So they pursue harder.

Now one person feels chronically rejected while the other feels chronically pressured.

And neither feels particularly desired.

Pressure and eroticism aren't very good roommates.

Sometimes “Low Libido” Isn't Really About Libido

Sexual desire doesn't exist separately from the rest of our lives.

“I don't want sex” can sometimes mean:

I'm exhausted.

I'm angry.

I don't feel connected to you.

I don't feel desirable.

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I'm carrying too much.

Sex has become predictable.

I spend all day taking care of people, and sex feels like one more person needing something from me.

Or even:

The kind of sex we're having isn't particularly pleasurable for me.

That's why simply telling someone to “make more time for sex” often misses the point.

Sometimes the erotic problem begins long before anyone gets into bed.

Stop Measuring Your Sex Life Only by Frequency

When couples become worried about sex, they often start counting.

Once a week. Twice a month. It has been 17 days.

Frequency tells us something, but it doesn't tell us whether your sexual relationship is satisfying.

I'm more interested in questions like:

Can you talk honestly about what you want?

Can either of you say no without punishment or withdrawal?

Can affection exist without automatically becoming sexual?

Do both of you experience pleasure?

Do you feel wanted?

Are you still curious about each other?

Those answers tell us far more than a number does.

So What Do You Do When You Want Different Amounts of Sex?

Don't begin by trying to make the lower-desire partner want more sex.

And don't tell the higher-desire partner that sex shouldn't matter so much.

Instead, get curious.

What helps desire show up for each of you?

What shuts it down?

When does initiation feel exciting—and when does it feel like pressure?

What kind of touch do you miss?

What has changed?

What haven't you told each other because you're afraid of the answer?

And perhaps the most interesting question:

If neither of you were worried about disappointing the other, what would you want your sexual relationship to look like?

That's a very different conversation from How often should we be having sex?

When Sex Therapy Can Help

You don't have to wait until sex has disappeared completely to see a sex therapist.

Sex therapy can help couples understand differences in desire, break patterns of initiation and rejection, communicate more openly about sex, and explore what pleasure and intimacy look like in the relationship they have now.

The goal isn't to decide which partner is sexually “normal.”

It's to understand what's happening between you.

Because sometimes the better question isn't:

Why don't you want sex as much as I do?

It's:

What would allow desire, pleasure and connection to have more room between us?

About the Author

Tammy Fisher, MA, LPC-S, LMFT-S, CST, is an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist specializing in sexual health, desire, intimacy, couples and the many ways our relationships, bodies, identities and experiences shape our erotic lives. Through The Pleasure Principles, she approaches sexuality with curiosity, clinical expertise, sex positivity and the belief that pleasure deserves a place in conversations about health and relationships.

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If differences in desire, intimacy or sexual connection are creating distance in your relationship, you don’t have to sort it out alone.

I offer sex and couples therapy for adults and partners who want more honest, connected and pleasurable relationships.

Ready to begin? Request a therapy consultation.